


don't go (i need you)

by Alexgalaxies



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Comfort, Gallifrey (mentioned), Gen, It's not a snog box!, Light Angst, Minor The Doctor/Clara Oswin Oswald, Post-Episode: s12e01-02 Spyfall, The Doctor & Clara Oswin Oswald Friendship, The Doctor (Doctor Who) Needs a Hug, The Doctor misses Clara Oswin Oswald, The Doctor needs sense knocked into her, moody!Doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23287786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexgalaxies/pseuds/Alexgalaxies
Summary: The Doctor has been traveling with three people, but lately, it didn't feel any different than traveling alone. To them, she has been somewhere else, which isn't wrong. She has been keeping secrets, and isolating herself in the process.Now, the Doctor tinkers around the TARDIS alone, until she isn't. Maybe an old friend will help her come to her senses...
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Clara Oswin Oswald, Thirteenth Doctor/Clara Oswin Oswald brief, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan (brief/implied)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 66





	don't go (i need you)

The Doctor was tinkering away in the TARDIS. She paced back and forth between different tasks and searching for parts and tools. The Fam was back on Earth doing very human things, like working, eating, and sleeping probably. Needless to say the Doctor was just trying to distract herself from what she  _ really  _ wanted to do, which was skip ahead or go to her secret torment. It plagued her thoughts regardless of what she tried to do, but revisiting and making it hurt all over again wouldn’t help her at all. 

The TARDIS was dim, which didn’t help either, but it was kind of her fault, the telepathy and all. Everything had been getting to her lately and coping wasn’t on her list of priorities. The Doctor ended up with her head under the console trying to reach for some of the wires so she could connect them. They had become loose and it caused an issue with when they landed. Reconnecting them would allow for the recalibration. Couldn’t have Yaz be late anymore.

With the exception of the low hum of the TARDIS and occasional pitter-patter of the Doctor’s footsteps it was silent.

Then all of a sudden there was a small voice coming from the doorway. It was almost a whisper, but also a question. “Doctor?” The higher-pitched voice said.

The effect of the voice was instant. Questions raced through the blonde woman’s head. Her hearts beat a little faster.  _ No. It can’t be. Can it?  _ Her body shot up, completely forgetting the arrangement under the console. With a loud thud and an “Ow!” She shimmied out of the crawlspace. 

The voice sounded again. “Ooo, careful,” The cringe was evident in her voice.

The Doctor rubbed the top of her forehead where there would soon be a red spot. Blinking away the surprise she finally looked up at the figure who had stepped from the doorway. “It can’t be,” Looking up she saw a short woman who didn’t seem so short anymore. The new perspective really changes things. The woman had short brown hair and an adorable small nose. Now that the Doctor thought about it she reminded her of a young Queen Victoria.

A bright smile found its way onto the brunette’s face. “It can be,” She sighed with a laugh.

The Doctor’s expression softened. “Clara,” She smiled a bright smile. It was like a wave of relief washed over her. All of the weights she had been carrying around were allowed to be released, just for this moment.

Clara made her way to the blonde woman with open arms. “It’s really you,” She said softly. The Doctor had no choice but to accept the hug. “I’ve missed you, you daft old woman,” She pulled back to look the Doctor in her eyes. “I quite like the new look, not all bony anymore,” Clara held the Doctor’s chin between her thumb and index fingers, “Not all chin either,” She scrunched her nose with a smile, teasing the Doctor.

The Doctor laughed at her joke. “I’ve missed you too Clara Oswald,” She pulled Clara in for a hug again. The hug was nice, she hadn’t realized just how badly she needed it, or how she ever could have disliked hugs. True to her old self, she was hiding her face. Her expression faded to being sad. “I’ve been feeling like I  _ really _ needed you here lately,” She nuzzled her head into brown hair. 

Clara just held her, knowing that was what she needed.

The Doctor couldn’t help herself, her mouth started before her brain could stop it. She was going to open up about everything, against even her best judgments. “Still quite socially awkward, don’t always know what to say, how to explain things to them,” The Doctor hadn’t realized how much exactly she had missed Clara. The Doctor missed their talks, the cue cards, and the forced hugs. The Doctor secretly loved them, but his pain made him closed off about affection. For the most part, she didn’t let herself think about her and what had happened, or what an angry old Scottish man had done. She didn’t want to feel like she needed to forget again. She didn’t want to feel like she would rip the universe apart for her again. 

Clara felt the blonde shiver. She held her tighter. “I know what you’ve been doing,” Clara started off softly. This was a necessary conversation.

Anxiety forced itself into the Doctor. She pulled back. “What? What have I been doing?” She was immediately defensive. The Doctor felt herself beginning to worry.  _ No one else knew about Gallifrey or the visits. But Clara had a TARDIS too, maybe she found out, maybe she knew- _

She softened her expression and shook her head. “You broke the promise you made to me,” Clara looked down briefly before meeting hazel eyes. 

The Doctor’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She shook her head, not understanding what Clara meant. It was a little frustrating, Clara was displeased. Clara being displeased was  _ never _ a good thing.

She made a face at the Doctor. “You have to remember  _ that _ at least, especially if you remember me. Rude to forget a friend, by the way,” She tried to lighten the mood. Then it was back to serious this time. “You’ve been alone, Doctor,” She frowned at her.

The Doctor looked down, in shame. She knew exactly what Clara was talking about. The denial forced itself to the forefront of her mind. She took a step backward. She picked her head up feigning confidence. “I’m not!” She tried to make her voice sound optimistic. “I haven’t been, I had Bill, now I’ve got the  _ Fam _ . That’s  _ three _ new humans at once, I’m not alone,” She shook her head, denying the reality.

Clara’s face looked sympathetic. “You are,” She put simply. Clara shrugged. “You know exactly what I mean too,” She put on her stern, listen to me, voice. “You have been alienating them, pushing them away because they care,” She tilted her head slightly. “You’ve been closed off from them,” Hopefully, the non-offensive strategy would let the Doctor calm down.

_ Oh,  _ “How could you-”

Clara reached a hand out to stroke the Doctor’s forearm. “You carry us with you,” She knew that the Doctor carried the baggage of loss around with her like it was chained to her with no way of removal.

The Doctor widened her eyes at the statement. Those words said everything.

She gave the Doctor a soft smile. “I know you, Doctor, maybe even better than most,” She rolled her eyes a bit nonchalantly. “You’re making yourself alone,” She looked away from the Doctor pursing her lips.

The Doctor looked away too. It was true, Clara was right, about all of it. She felt like she didn’t deserve this moment, seeing someone she cared so much for. She felt the sadness welling up in her throat. She felt like she had betrayed someone she cared about. “I didn’t mean to, Clara, I’m sorry,” Her voice was still clear and concise. “Things happened, and it ruined everything,” She tried to excuse her behavior. 

Clara knew better than that. Couldn’t just let her out of it so easily. “Doctor, this was before that, and you know it, it just got worse,” Clara knew she was right, it was prevalent in her tone. It would’ve been hard for anyone to miss.

The Doctor finally nodded. A concession “I know, I just, I just thought that maybe it won’t hurt so much if something happens,” She shrugged knowing her words were wrong. Doing that, distancing herself, it didn’t make her care any less. All of the humans mattered, all life mattered, to the Doctor. It has always pained the Doctor to have to do something they could never come back from, even if it had to be done, the Doctor could never run out of empathy. The Doctor could almost never not blame herself either, that was the thing that ate away at them throughout their life.

Clara tilted her head. If she thought the Doctor was lying she didn’t acknowledge it. “Everything works out, doesn’t it? We all move on in some way or another, what happens, happens, that doesn’t make it your fault,” She paused to emphasize her point. “We make the decision, all you do is give a choice. You present the gift that is the  _ Universe _ , a chance to see it, be a part of amazing things. If anything happens, we make the choice that leads us where we end up,” She brought a hand up to cup the Doctor’s cheek. She brushed away the stray tear that fell.

The Doctor leaned into the soft touch. She covered the hand with her own. Clara looked at her expectantly. She responded by nodding. Oh, how Clara was always right, an amazing voice of reason. One she so desperately needed. Clara never let the Doctor’s excuses slide, when they were necessary. That was a part of the reason their dynamic worked so well for such a long time, until it didn’t.

They sat together on the hexagon stairs. Clara asked questions here and there, they each caught up respectively. Eventually, the moment had become calm, quiet reminiscing between old friends. They were content with just being with each other. They felt the memories flooding back in. Then they ran out of things to say.

Clara was the one to break the silence. Clara smiled remembering a particular memory that would be sure to make the Doctor blush. “It sounds like you’re not getting much use of your snog box,” She gestured up at the TARDIS. Clara was right, the Doctor did blush, but she quickly skipped over it. “I quite like the new look, did you do it yourself?” She asked.

The Doctor shook her head. “No, actually this was mainly her,” She smiled proudly at her ship. Then her face shifted. “She threw me out after the regeneration,” She looked away wondering if she should have said that last bit.

Clara furrowed her brow at the blonde woman. “Well if you wouldn’t go popping off in her, I’d probably have thrown you out as well,” She smiled at her still being serious.

“Oi!” The Doctor stepped back.

Clara’s smile grew. “Oh, do that again, that was  _ good _ ,” She nodded.

“What?” Her nose scrunched itself.

She covered her mouth to keep from laughing. “You are just too much,” Clara gave her a proper look up and down. “Would it be out of line if I kissed you, because this may be the wrong time, but you are  _ fit _ . Much better if you ask, quite a step up,” She bit her lip at the Doctor.

The Doctor’s mouth was agape. “I uh-” Her face went bright pink. “Don’t think w-we should-”

Clara leaned against the console. “Only kidding!” She smirked. “Is there someone?” She looked at the Doctor quizzically.

The Doctor blushed again. Her mouth fell open, it wavered between trying to say something or close. She looked down, her mind flashed to a certain female companion, but she fought her instincts. The Doctor scolded herself for the brief thoughts.

She bumped the Doctor’s shoulder with her own. “You  _ really _ need to lighten up,” Clara shook her head.

The Doctor frowned. She had been trying so hard, to be positive for her companions' sake. It was draining. Each day passed and it only became harder.

Clara noticed the Doctor's demeanor change. “And open up,” She paused. “If this is how you act around them, all gloomy… They’re your friends for a reason, it’s not fair for them to put in all the effort if you’re just gonna keep everything to yourself, or worse they may go looking for answers and you won’t like what they find out without your permission,” She met the Doctor’s gaze.

The Doctor had a flicker of a memory that shouldn’t even exist, Clara reading about the Doctor’s past, even finding her name. Then she felt fear that that was a possibility, she didn’t want the Fam to be fearful of her or the things that were a part of her past, but she did need to start being honest with them.

The Doctor’s face got very serious, her gaze fell to one spot, her breathing slowed. She had completely zoned out thinking about several things at once. Clara pulled her out of it. “Hey! Might just snog you, if you go there again,” She threatened, laughing again. It was her same old Doctor in there, one she loved, and truthfully never stopped loving. _ Same software, different case. _

The Doctor was thankful for Clara pulling her from that realization. The idea that one of them may find out what she has done, even if it were fixed or ended being up okay… No explanation may make up for it… even the stories that weren’t true. Maybe they would trust an explanation, but that was no guarantee.

Clara allowed their silence for a short time. Then she looked all around the console room taking it in. She sighed contentedly. “So, I guess this’ll be me then?” She turned her head to the Doctor. Then she stood, reaching a hand to help the other woman.

Fear spread over the Doctor’s face.  _ No, please, not yet.  _ “Does it have to be?” She wanted as much time with the brunette as she possibly could, it had been  _ so _ long. She jumped up walking towards the console. “I’ve missed you, maybe we could go do something,” She was pleading.

The Doctor was very tempting, probably the biggest temptation in the Universe. “I think that’s exactly why I have to go,” She walked over to the Doctor who’s face was saddened by the truth. She gave a gentle touch to the blonde’s arm. “You know the deal Doctor, I’m here when you need me to be,” She looked into hazel eyes, she wished she didn’t have to go, but her work was done and the longer she stayed the harder it would be to go. 

The Doctor let her hands come up and cradle Clara’s face. “My beautiful Clara Oswald,” She saw tears beginning to well up in Clara’s own eyes. “Thank you, for absolutely everything,”

“Shut up, I was supposed to be comforting you,” The Doctor’s eyes swept across her face, obviously memorizing it. Clara tilted her head up getting her attention. “I love you, you daft old woman, don’t you go forgetting it either,” She put on her serious face. She grabbed the Doctor’s hands and placed them together in front of her.

Those words felt like little knives in her hearts. The Doctor sighed sadly, knowing what was coming. “I don’t like goodbye's,” she said.

Clara nodded. Her voice softened. “I know, close your eyes,” She ceased her movements.

The Doctor obeyed the command. She bit her cheek nervously. “Will you be there when I-” She felt a set lips upon her own. She kept her eyes closed, felt the soft sensation that was Clara’s lips, it had been a while since that had happened. It was actually quite nice in the new body. Then they were gone just as quickly as they had come. The Doctor opened her eyes, Clara was gone. The TARDIS doors were shut. Clara had left her with a lot to think about, and a promise to do better for her, herself, and her Fam. She felt the bump on her head throb finally, she reached up to rub the spot and winced knowing there would be a bruise. Instead of getting rid of it, she left it as a reminder of what had just happened. To help it all feel real. Because it had to be.

**Author's Note:**

> was it really Clara? an echo? a projection? or did the Doc just hit her head too hard? you decide!
> 
> (i'm partial to it actually being her myself)
> 
> comments and kudos are much appreciated!


End file.
